Archives for posts with tag: extreme romance

I like my quizzes like my men, deep and meaningful. Unfortunately, this quiz is neither. It’s more of a nod to ‘Jackie’ than the works of Freud. Nevertheless, it will provide profound philosophical insight into your aptitude for writing ‘dirty stuff’.
That is, are you the next E L James?

All you have to do is answer the four “literary” questions below. And your first reaction please, no trying to second-guess the interviewer. This is not the diplomatic service. Ok, imagine the scene you have stopped browsing useless blogs and have settled down to write your novel. You are writing, writing, writing and trying to figure out what happens next in your plot. (Clearly you are not the kind of writer who plans out everything in advance and puts it in post-it notes around the computer. You are more of a spontaneous wordsmith. I approve). Anyways…

1. Your main character is skint. Totally borasic. Poor. Hard-up. etc.
a. She sends her son to market. Son exchanges cow for beans. They grow beanstalk outside the window. Discover giant at the top. Climb up. Steal things including the golden hen. Surreal.
b. She sells her body at the local market. Some time later, discovers man with giant cock upstairs. More sex stuff happens, she rapidly goes off giant cock man and instead does golden showers with the local ‘wood cutter’.

2. Your main character is in love with a gypsy boy.
a. She loves her adopted brother because he is “more myself than I am”. Changes her mind. Marries a friend. Dies slowly. Anorexia? Broken heart? Becomes a ghost. Cue lots of running around in her nighty on the moors.
b. She shags her adopted brother. Incest angst as she changes her mind. Cue lots of sleeping with neighbouring farmers in her (see-through) nighty, yelling “more, more, more”.

3. Your main character is ambitious.
a. With the help of his wife, he commits regicide, he murders his friend, is visited by ghosts. The country is torn apart in violence. Three witches prophesize he will stay in power until Burnham wood trees come walking. They do! Its a brilliant plot twist. Oh yes and the wife goes mad.
b. The wife is utterly sex-mad. Together they hold feasts and mad orgies, shagging from left to right, up and down. Three sexy ladies keep following them around making sexy promises. There is, of course, a handsome fellow called Burnham. More shagging. Everyone is up ‘the duff’. The country is torn apart by naked pics in Vegas.

4. Your main character is a university student.
a. He get involved with a very wealthy family in a heart-felt exploration of Catholicism. He falls in love, perhaps with the brother and then the sister, who ultimately will not marry him, but perhaps most of all with the fabulous place, Brideshead.
b. She gets involved with a very wealthy family in an exploration of S and M (lite) Attempts to change the multi-millionaire from being a stalker-ish cross between Paul Daniels and Julian Assange do not appear to work (sorry have not read books two and three so might have got that wrong) She also loves a fabulous place, the Playroom.

If only it had been tweaked, Brideshead Revisited could have been an erotic bestseller.

Now add up your A’s and B’s.

Mostly A’s: Get thee to a nunnery. I’m sorry neither you nor your writing will amount to anything. Dominate the best seller lists for months on end? I don’t think so!

Mostly B’s. Baby, you’ve got the smut-gene. Filthy nose to the grindstone and you too might sell five million books by Christmas.


You’ve done creative writing classes with a teacher who’s been published in ‘Woman’s weekly’. You’ve let off a stinking poem or two. You have a half finished screenplay under your bed that Spielberg would send over a private jet for, (Oh! if only he knew about it!) and now you are wondering: have I got what it takes to write erotica?

Its not an entirely stupid question.

The success of Harry Potter meant children’s publishing got a massive shot in the arm as publishers and public alike realised what how brilliant (and lucrative) children’s books could be. So, it is with Mr Grey and Anastasia. The publishing and reading world await the next shagging sensation. Erotica is ‘in’. You can bet your ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, that right now, thousands of hopeful people across the world, are banging out something. And some of them might be writing a bit too.

So what are the essential qualities of the erotic writer and how do they differ from writers of other genres?

I was going to say simply the ability to write interesting sentences but in the light of recent best-sellers, I’ve decided to scrub that. Ha ha. It is clearly more important to create interesting, possibly sympathetic, characters and, if its your thing, a good, page-turning plot. So far, same as in other kinds of writing but where it differs, naturally, is an interest in “the sex thing”. Obviously, the erotic writer must be, as they say on dating websites, “open-minded”. If the erotic writer feels that what they are doing is wrong then this will shine through their work (in a bad way). I don’t know the religious make-up of the top erotic writers but I’m willing to bet my copy of ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ that they are not practicing Catholics. I’m not saying practicing Catholics can’t write brilliantly, (God forbid) I’m simply suggesting extreme romance writing isn’t for you.

The erotic writer clearly needs to do the sex thing as much as possible: we call this ‘research’. However, I’m not a believer in write what you know. You don’t have to know about orgies and dragon butter to write about it – you do however have to find all that interesting. Write what you care about, and you can’t go wrong.

The next essential quality of the erotic writer is to be well-read. You should have some sense of the history of rude-writing from Anais Nin and Henry Miller to Black Lace favourites Portia de Costa and (shameless plug) Tabitha Flyte! And here, allow me to make a small digressive joke: the erotic writer must know his Dickens from his dick and his Hardy from his Hard-on.
Ho hum.
The erotic writer doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. He or she knows that the devil is in the details. He or she should also be able to swear like a navvy and he or she should be prepared to sign a contract promising never ever to use coy phrases like ‘inner goddess’ or ‘sex’ where other, better, words would do.

It also helps to be an orphan. Not really – one dead parent will do. Honestly, my mum would have done her nut about my career choice. She would have been sat at my shoulder. “O-kayyy, so Sally, is the one who’s shagging the big fellow but she prefers his wife and…ooh darling, you know Mrs Johnson’s daughter is training to be a doctor.”

Does Annie have what it takes to be the next EL James, or is she more of a PD James kind of girl?

A subversive streak is another job requirement. You don’t have to be a steam-punk trustafarian living in a squat in South London but I’ve never met an erotic writer yet who doesn’t, in her own, sweet way, stick one finger (the middle) up at the system. I suppose its the same with most writers, whatever the subject matter. You have to be interested in revealing the hidden, in exploring and busting taboos. All writers are outsiders, looking in and exploring what they see. Erotic writers are outsiders too, although they are looking in the bedroom window in particular.

It’s imperative to have thick skin. You need the hide of the rhino if you are to read some of the reviews on Amazon. Especially the ones your “friends” insist on writing. The response is even worse if you make the mistake of writing in the first person, the “I” because everyone will think it’s actually you. Sigh.
They say if you left a monkey at a computer for 1000s of years, eventually it would produce the works of Shakespeare. I believe if you did the same with a rhino then he would eventually produce ‘The story of O’. (If he didn’t squash the computer first.)

Could he be the next publishing sensation?

Finally, in this day and age, it’s important to have a USP. For those who aren’t expert in marketing-squeak, USP is your unique selling point. Just as Delia is associated with pre-mashed food, and Heston Blumenthal, rats arse ice cream, every chef needs a signature dish and so too does the erotic writer.
So if your thing is a toe in the hoo-haa or perhaps “water-sports” (not in the dating site sense of the word), then don’t be afraid to explore this in your d’oevre. What you may find, to everyone’s amazement, is that niche is no longer niche and before long Marks and Spencers will be stocking your bestselling book alongside waterproof sheets and nail clippers.

Ok, maybe not M and S, maybe Morrisons.




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